University Presidents To Rumble For Cy-Hawk Trophy

Unconfirmed reports stated Thursday that the perpetual resting place of the Iowa Corn Series Cy-Hawk Trophy would be decided in a battle to the death between University of Iowa President Bruce Harreld and Iowa State University President Steven Leath.

To forever settle the issue of which school will hold the Cy-Hawk Trophy, a final solution has been reached. The two universities’ head men will battle each other in mortal combat, with the winner taking the trophy back to his school to remain in perpetuity.

“I’m super keen on the idea,” Harreld said. “What’s sadly not common knowledge about me is that I completed the eight-week program for Rex-Kwon-Do last year. It isn’t a rip-off and I’m totally ready for The Octagon. I learned all about self-respect, how to discipline my image and I always use the buddy system.”

Leath echoed Harreld’s sentiments.

“I’ve been focusing on going super seisyun,” Leath stated. “I’ve watched every episode of DragonBall Z in which a character goes super seisyun and am trying to mimic their movements exactly. My DVR has made this much easier. I can record live TV with it, then move to the parts I want to watch. I can even put them in slo-motion, pause, and rewind. I think that by the time the fight comes up, I’ll totally be so ready for real.”

A date for the battle has not yet been set, but a location has. The fight will be held in a 19th-century corn crib located on the pasture owned by farmer Jebediah Snotrocket. Snotrocket is excited about his corn crib, located near Fort Madison, Iowa, being the location of the rumble.

“Tarnation, when they told me that those college boys were going to kill each other in my corn crib, I was as happy as a crocigator in a fish farm,” Snotrocket commented.

The corn crib was chosen for its similarity to the setting of the battle in the film Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, according to a source who wished to remain anonymous.

While it’s not yet been confirmed exactly what the rules of the engagement will be, it’s clear that a limited amount of spectator space will be available. Promoters expect the fight to bring in tens of dollars, or the equivalent of the athletics revenue of the University of Northern Iowa.

This isn’t the first time that a grudge between these two schools has been decided by violence. Back in 1867, there was a dispute over which brand of sasparilla was best between graduates of each school. The two men settled the dispute with a vicious best-of-five rock-paper-scissor battle.

While there are many details yet to be decided about this event, what’s clear is that none of this is real. This entire post is nothing more than an April Fools’ Day joke.

Hopefully Iowa will capture and keep forever the Cy-Hawk trophy, without any violence, though. That will be just another reason to state that Iowa’s nickname is The Hawkeye State for a very good reason.